Even though it’s almost the end of March, I wanted to share my growth from February to now. This is going to be raw, honest and transparent. I thought about not sharing this but refrained from the idea.

But now, in this growth journal – what I go through is not meant to be hidden and covered up with pretence. One of the greatest things that you can share about your walk with others are the battles that you go through.

The month of February was a month of being stripped down to my most vulnerable state. The first week was smooth sailing and things seemed fine. Then all of a sudden my thought patterns had changed. Towards the end of last year, I believed that God had revealed my purpose and I stepped out in faith.

However, I didn’t see any sign or fruit. In fact, that is probably the reason why I didn’t see any result because I was doubting and wasn’t willing to move until there was a reason to. At one point, I got frustrated and felt like my efforts were in vain.

Then my thoughts spiralled out of control. I began questioning God, whether I am really following Jesus. Sometimes I felt as though I wasn’t doing enough for him, I compared my walk to others, doubted my own gifts & talents, wanted to quit certain commitments because I didn’t think I was adequate. The list went on and on.

Half way through February I hit the lowest point of my life. It was as if I fell into a deep dark hole but I couldn’t climb out and it affected me spiritually. I almost forgot my identity in Christ and who God said that I am.

The first lesson I learnt was that you can be good physically but if you are spiritually unhealthy – it influences the way you think, the words you speak and the size of your faith.

Once I realized this, I had to go back to the basics. I needed to be reminded of where I was before Christ met me. He met me when I was empty and when my life was filled meaningless belongings that offered temporary satisfaction and hallow ideologies that had no substance. My heart was filled and fulfilled, as soon as I allowed Jesus to enter my heart. The immeasurable love that God has (and still does) that He gave his one and only son to die on that cross.

As I spent more time in His word, I wanted to grow more but I didn’t realise the pain in growing. Just like shoes, once you outgrow a certain size, you can no longer wear your favourite pairs again. That was how it was as I was leaning into God even more. There were things in my life that God had asked me to surrender, that I can no longer hold on to. Areas in my life that I had been blind to, that God revealed and it meant change.

The more I drew closer to God and He was drawing closer to me, I was seeing things that I had never seen before. Most of all – I had to come to the end of myself so that He could show Himself to me.

In that moment, in that month alone, I felt like God kept pointing out every flaw in me. Along with the Holy Spirit who guides, corrects, teaches, convicts us and leads us in our everyday life. It seemed as though, I was being corrected more than ever.

Though I know God loves me, His grace is sufficient and His mercies are new every morning. I also had to be reminded that He is my Father who wants the best for me. And because God wants the best for me, He has to be fair and just.

In Psalm 25:8, it says:

“God is fair and just; He corrects the misdirected, Sends them in the right direction.” (MSG)

A few of the lines from the bridge of Hosanna by Hillsong says,

“Open up my eyes to things unseen. Break my heart for what break Yours. Everything I am, for your kingdom’s cause”

God needed to let me know what wasn’t helping me to grow. I had to continuously renew my mind because when I meditate on His word, the enemy can come in and speak lies. He removed the obstacles that were going to hinder me from becoming the woman He had created me to be.

All my weaknesses laid before me and that’s when I finally understood what was happening. I need to be stripped of myself, of everything that I had known, the faith that I placed in the idols that I had created. All the plans that I had in mind, the desires that no longer aligned with His.

It wasn’t enough to know the Word and not apply it to my life. The Word can’t stay only in my head and not travel down to my heart, become deposited and rooted in my soul.

It was there that I realized that I didn’t depend on God like I did before. I did things in my own strength and I wanted the hand of God but missed his heart (I will share a blog on this in the future)

Once I was bare and vulnerable before God, I depended on Him like a child that clung to their parents for safety. I placed all my hope, my trust and my life in His hands.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit” Psalm 51:10-12

I don’t usually share what I struggle with, the times that I wrestle with God or the downs of life. Lately I have noticed, I put so much pressure on myself. The truth is, we are not all perfect. 

Even when we pursue righteousness and want to grow more, things need to change. We go through trials, tests, seasons and everything in between. At the end of the day, we are journeying with Jesus and it’s not going to be easy. All of us go through a process but don’t forget about the progress.

I wanted to share this in the hope that it blesses someone else.